starry nights

The sky looks just incredible tonight. It's a night like tonight that for whatever reason I feel like my dad can hear my thoughts loud and clear.

I remember being in Spain and feeling super lonely. Like no one in the world was thinking about me but I was thinking about everyone else. All I wanted was to be missed. To know that to someone else, I was special enough to be thought about. On that particular night, I spoke to my good friend Mary Anne. She's like my little sister in a lot of ways. We spoke for a little while and I asked her if she could see the sky. And if it was cloudy out of not. Well, it just so happened that it was a night like tonight and she could see all the stars. I told her to look for the constellation Orion. We looked out our windows at the same time and could both see him. Then I didn't feel so far away.

Maybe that's why I feel like these nights are somewhat comforting whenever I'm feeling lonely. Who knows. I'm probably just crazy like everyone else with all these freakish thoughts, hopes, etc. Idiosyncrasies that make me me and you you.

I just got finished watching this movie that made me think about my dad. God I miss him. I often wonder about how differently my life would have turned out if he hadn't died. My entire world would have been so different. Everything about me changed that day. Even if no one noticed. I always say that in that moment, I grew up. I had no choice about it either. It was one of those sink or swim moments in my life. And all I did was my absolute best to stay afloat.

Sometimes it feels like that's what I've been for all these years. Just staying afloat.

Next month it'll be 8 years that he's been gone. Crazy. 8 years. People used to say, "God, you are so strong." But I never felt like that. I just felt like I had no choice but to live. I never felt like there was any alternative. I guess I could have curled into a ball in some dark corner and just died but I never saw that as a viable option. Meh. Maybe to some, it is.

Life sure can be strange. I definitely never pictured myself in the position I'm in now.

If you asked me 8 years ago where I thought I'd be now, it probably would have sounded like this:

Married. Working as a disgruntled and jaded school psychologist somewhere. Thinking about having kids. Living with my husband in some decked out little apartment somewhere not too far from the city. Maybe we'd have a dog or two. Take vacations every year with our friends. Make dinner every night and fight about nothing.

I wonder where I'll be 8 years from now though. I haven't a clue. I mean, the whole family thing isn't a bad idea. But who knows when/if that'll ever happen. All I know is that I just want to live. I want to travel and I want my own place.

And if it's not too much to ask for, I'd like a companion who isn't a completely emotionally helpless. Just someone to share my stories with. Someone who wouldn't mind telling me their's. Maybe not all of my stories and maybe not all of theirs - you know, just to make it fun. But it sure would be nice to have someone to share parts of my life with.

Maybe one day. We'll see.