I've really done it this time....

I guess you can say that lately I've been pretty frustrated with myself. I've gotten myself into a bit of trouble with school. Kinda really sucks. I've always been a bad ass procrastinator but it's beyond that point now. There's work that I've still not handed in that was due for last semester and I can't attend school this semester until I hand in my work for last semester. The biggest part of the problem is that the semester started 2 weeks ago. Nice, right?

I'm such an ass. I don't know why I do this to myself. Okay... I'm lying. I know exactly why I've done this to myself. I've been talking to my therapist about it and, to be quite honest, it all makes perfect friggin sense.

The simplest explanation is this: I'm tired to the point of exhaustion and my brain just isn't willing to function anymore. I'm so fucking tired of working my ass off for the last i don't even know how long. I've not had more than a week to myself to do absolutely nothing at all in.... I have no idea. I went on vacation to Punta Cana for just over a week a year ago - before then... I honestly can't remember. Maybe 5 years. Maybe 6. Point being: I've been working like a dog for little or no pay for a really long fucking time.

My brain doesn't stop thinking.... ever. It's nuts. I can't imagine what it must be like to have nothing to think about except, like, which brand of toilet paper to buy. My therapist asked me what I would do if I wasn't in school and I just had work.

My dream life: I would eat fresh organic fruit, yogurt, and granola (or some variation thereof) every morning and watch the sunrise. I'd cook for myself 5 nights a week. I'd run 4 days a week. I'd live on my own and watch pointless, retarded TV shows. I'd paint and draw still life's. I'd take pictures. I'd listen to new music no matter how terrible or dynamic. I'd call old friends. I'd eat at a great restaurant by myself and savor every new face and new scent. I'd coach softball again. I'd see my friends' bands play all over the city and discover and fall in love with new dives in the cracks and crevices of New York City. I'd sleep. I'd nap in a hammock. I'd read. I'd write. I'd meditate. I'd get my hair done regularly and get manicures and pedicures at 2 week intervals. I'd save money and then blow it on some ridiculously lavish pair of shoes that I could only wear with one outfit. Okay maybe not that last part but definitely I'd make time for everything else I listed.

I feel like I've had my life on hold for so long. Like everything I listed, I've been dying to get at for so long. I know that in order to truly get there and be completely satisfied I needed to have done everything that I am doing. But I'm just ready to call it quits and settle for a no pressure, no frills job that will help me to just barely afford to live the way I listed. I'm at that point. That's why I haven't handed in my work. That, on top of all the changes and adjustments I've been going through in the last couple of months inmy personal life have really brought me to my breaking point. I'm done. Or... at least... I was... for a little while.

I'm sooo close to having my degree. My friggin Master's Degree. Some of my friends have theirs already. Some don't. But I swear... why the fuck did I have to go and choose like the hardest friggin master's degree like EVER?!?! No wonder there's a shortage of school psychologists in New York City!!! You might as well get your freaking doctorate!!! The program is soo demanding... at least mine was. I've heard from people who went to School Psych programs at different universities and they said their program wasn't nearly as demanding as mine... nice, right? Well, then again, they paid 3 and 4 times as much as for their degree as I have for mine... CUNY prices rock.

But regardless, I just need to quit bitching because my life could be ALOT worse. I know I have it in me to finish my work and to continue with this semester. 4 months. Just 4 more months. Then I'll at least have the degree. Then I can go away... and i mean really away... not like on vacation for 2 weeks. Like far away and for a while. Who knows - maybe I won't like it. Maybe I'll completely regret it for the rest of my life. But maybe... just maybe... it's exactly what i need right now.

Alicante, Spain... here I come... I'll be leaving Sept. 3, 2006. I always knew that date would end up being significant one way or another....