thank you

for making me feel comfortable and human.

wow!

you suck! what a surprise...

Tough love

The best thing about technology by far, IMO, is how easily you can remove people from your life. Ok so maybe I'm a tad bitter right now. Maybe more than just a tad but it's more than warranted. I need to have less to do with people who choose to hurt me and more to do with those who are good to me. Simple.

My life needs to change again. Needs to improve another step. So here it goes....

Let's see what happens.

starry nights

The sky looks just incredible tonight. It's a night like tonight that for whatever reason I feel like my dad can hear my thoughts loud and clear.

I remember being in Spain and feeling super lonely. Like no one in the world was thinking about me but I was thinking about everyone else. All I wanted was to be missed. To know that to someone else, I was special enough to be thought about. On that particular night, I spoke to my good friend Mary Anne. She's like my little sister in a lot of ways. We spoke for a little while and I asked her if she could see the sky. And if it was cloudy out of not. Well, it just so happened that it was a night like tonight and she could see all the stars. I told her to look for the constellation Orion. We looked out our windows at the same time and could both see him. Then I didn't feel so far away.

Maybe that's why I feel like these nights are somewhat comforting whenever I'm feeling lonely. Who knows. I'm probably just crazy like everyone else with all these freakish thoughts, hopes, etc. Idiosyncrasies that make me me and you you.

I just got finished watching this movie that made me think about my dad. God I miss him. I often wonder about how differently my life would have turned out if he hadn't died. My entire world would have been so different. Everything about me changed that day. Even if no one noticed. I always say that in that moment, I grew up. I had no choice about it either. It was one of those sink or swim moments in my life. And all I did was my absolute best to stay afloat.

Sometimes it feels like that's what I've been for all these years. Just staying afloat.

Next month it'll be 8 years that he's been gone. Crazy. 8 years. People used to say, "God, you are so strong." But I never felt like that. I just felt like I had no choice but to live. I never felt like there was any alternative. I guess I could have curled into a ball in some dark corner and just died but I never saw that as a viable option. Meh. Maybe to some, it is.

Life sure can be strange. I definitely never pictured myself in the position I'm in now.

If you asked me 8 years ago where I thought I'd be now, it probably would have sounded like this:

Married. Working as a disgruntled and jaded school psychologist somewhere. Thinking about having kids. Living with my husband in some decked out little apartment somewhere not too far from the city. Maybe we'd have a dog or two. Take vacations every year with our friends. Make dinner every night and fight about nothing.

I wonder where I'll be 8 years from now though. I haven't a clue. I mean, the whole family thing isn't a bad idea. But who knows when/if that'll ever happen. All I know is that I just want to live. I want to travel and I want my own place.

And if it's not too much to ask for, I'd like a companion who isn't a completely emotionally helpless. Just someone to share my stories with. Someone who wouldn't mind telling me their's. Maybe not all of my stories and maybe not all of theirs - you know, just to make it fun. But it sure would be nice to have someone to share parts of my life with.

Maybe one day. We'll see.

Whew!

2 months later. I've been crazy busy. 8 weeks went something like this.

1 psuedo/kind-of/not-really-real relationship=over.
2 weeks in Cupertino, CA=amazing.
>1 week in Las Vegas=quite the learning experience.
1 weekend tournament in Queens, NY=so satisfying.
1 birthday week-long celebration=rough on my liver.
4 weeks working the late shift at my job=exhausting.

Current obsessions: thoughts on living healthier, cuticle-biting (still), Guinness (duh), tall boys, sleeping late, hustling for extra dough (for moving out), movies from friends, music from customers, and creating fun sayings for my favorite t-shirt (see below).

I have to say that I've had the best birthday ever.

Sweetest part about it? Totally unexpected. Listen to all the love I got my my friends and family:

-taken out to dinner lots
-pool chalk and a new cue
-long and ridiculous purple socks and 3 shirts from my fav store
-a bottle of Patron
-a handbag and bracelet (that unfortunately I'll likely never use. thought that counts right?)
-and a surprise to come from my cousin

And I got sooo many phone calls, text messages, etc. from random people wishing me a happy day. it was awesome :)

yay!

little things.

Not so bad this time. Only a month and a half later. I won the singles 9-ball qualifiers tonight. Funny thing. I wasn't sure if I wanted it. 9-ball just isn't my thing.

I've been biting my cuticles a lot lately. I don't know what's been getting to me. Maybe it's the birth control I'm on. I don't know really. But I know that biting my cuticles (an effing gross habit) is a sign that I'm anxious and so I've been asking myself what could be causing this anxiety. I'm not too sure really.

I think my job is getting to me a bit. I have to get used to it. There's sooo much to learn. And so many people (customers and coworkers) to deal with. It's kind of overwhelming sometimes. I have to adjust to my schedule too. It's been sorta crazy.

I really want to move out. I've been thinking about that a LOT. I find myself perusing craigslist postings almost daily now. Not that I can afford it yet. It'll likely be a few months from now. I just gotta finish paying off my credit cards. Won't be long. Good thing I don't have lots of debt. That would suck.

I'm kind of in this relationship now too. It's been nice. Simpler than what I'm used to - what with my crazy history 'n all. Just taking things one day at a time. Tryin' to anyway.

I stayed at his place the other night. I'm a pretty light sleeper sometimes. I wonder if he knew that I felt it every time he kissed my forehead while we slept. There were a bunch of times when I didn't open my eyes. I've missed those kinds of sweet little things that a relationship brings into your life.

I'll be heading off to Cupertino, CA for my training and certification in a couple weeks. I can't wait. Then I come back for about a week and then Jenny and I are off to wreck havoc on the Las Vegas pool scene. We're going to have such a fucking blast. I hope she can borrow that video camera she was talking about. That would be amazing. Document the insanity that will be us.

I should probably attempt to go to bed now. Meh.

Current obsessions: popurls.com, future apartment hunting, grenadine+alcohol, belly farts, all of Ray LaMontagne, and Amy Winehouse's new album.